James Bond and Bonding

Oh little boys. I'm all he wanted when he was small. My voice was the only comfort that quieted and my arms were safe. When did your hands begin to look like your dads and when did you begin to shut me out? I am learning that mamas and little boys relationships so precious so rare so different and changes like the river and I'm feeling my way through. I used to know him like the back of my hand. I spend so much time with him and homeschooling and we laugh and bond. Over our same liking of James Bond. Oh how I love you my only boy. Your laugh and your hugs. Your talking. And talking. During tv shows and movies. I love your voice. And your laugh and your heart. It's so huge. Full of love for all. I'm praying you through this growing time. It's hard I know. Figuring out who you are. Why life's unfair. Why we moved you from all the people you know and love. And here to a place where you know no one. As a family we have never been closer. But you wouldn't have chosen this. Bubba and Mimi are your loves and you would move back in a heartbeat but God has us here. I love here. It's serenity. It's the beach. It's the ocean. It's the sand. I have found healing and the woman I really am. A closeness with my God so I can be the mom you need. One that will lead you by His Spirit of truth. I will speak life words to you and I will remind you always of your Creator and Savior Who love you so much and want a closeness with you. Be God fearing a seeking always. For now I will place all of you in His capable hands trusting Him to help me raise you to be the best you.

So today I'm just sitting next to you. Loving being your mom. Yes this is uncharted waters for me as the rest are girls. But His word is my guide and I'm loving this adventure. You may not be Buzz Lightyear anymore. I may not be April from the ninja turtles but we will always be each others. And I love you so much.

Moment of silence

Where is God when things explode and people lose much? And children die and this is not fair. He's exactly where He was when His Son hung on the cross and died for us. I know He shed tears today and this isn't His will. But He can make good and help us through. Being close to us in darkness and shining brightest in it. Lord we sin and make messes and You forgive and give grace.

Please let these people feel your presence. Please wrap Your arms tightly around them. Let Boston SEE YOU. let them feel You. Let those who love you be there for those hurting and may we never stop praying and praising You.

A moment of silence for the deceased and a quiet praise for those who are with You tonight. I love You. Tears tonight bring joy in the morning.

And the stars are bright here. And the wind blows and I'm holding my babies tighter tonight.

Tired yet grateful

Instead of beach towels and sunscreen I've traded them for Advil and children's triaminic. Yes they've all been under the weather and I'm the caretaker. When fevers are high patience runs low and grace is needed and plenty. It's hard to admit it. That sometimes nurturing doesn't come natural. Or that we are nurtured out and we want some too. I resented him bringing home this illness. And I resented him feeling under the weather. I'm selfish like that. I always regret it. I long to be all to all. The true proverbs 31 woman.

I hear coughing from the back She's not quite well yet. So I give her medicine to quiet the hacking. What we all need is true medicine from the Great Physician. His word heals all. Quiets the soul. Gives peace to the chaos and gives grace to impatient wives like me. My husband always forgives me. I'm amazed by his unconditional love. He's starting to resemble his Creator and oh how grateful I am for this. I've prayed long and hard and drawn many prayer circles around my marriage. God always answers specific prayers. God is so good and I'm so in love with Him.

He's led me beside still waters and restored my soul. He led me to a church and a small group and a core planning group and to new godly women and studies about Him. He's restored my marriage and walked us through many valleys of death. Or so it felt. And He will lead us out of this too. Sick babies and a traveling husband but He's close and He comforts and I will rest in Him. I'm praying protection and healing and safe travels. I'm praising for grace and forgiveness I need both.

It begins and ends with Him. I start my day empty to fill and end my day on my knees praising Him for helping me through another day. Resting in Him so I have the energy to nurture these sick ones.

The sun will come up after the rain tonight and pelicans will fly and waves will crash up on shore and I will soak it all in and give thanks for all of this.