I had a first tonight. I went to a Christmas program at my daughters school and for the first time in my forty something years, not one song was sung about Christmas. No rudolph. no frosty the snowman, no joy to the world, and not one song about a manger, a baby Jesus or mary. Im shocked. See., my first set of children grew up going to private schools. Yes we had to pay a lot but they sang and heard about Jesus. Then life happened and the younger two havent had the life that the older two did. No fun outings,  no parks, no weekend trips. not even a day trip to the mall. See, we might as well live in a third world country. We starve daily, struggle to clothe our kids and unless there is  a miracle we may not have christmas presents this year. As much as i would love to be a mom that says Jesus birth is enough celebration for us, and it is. But my children are accustomed to a santa Christmas, the presents under the tree. Its been way too long since my husband has had a job. It is taking a toll on me and my k,ids. Im so ready to watch him leave in the morning like normal men do and see him again at dinner. I am trying to be patient but im  not sure how much longer i can watch him lay on one end of the couch and flip channels. Im suffereing from not having one minute alone. not one. I tell myself that this is where God wants me or He would change it. However I have no idea His relationship with my husband. I never see him open his bible and I definitely see him watch things on tv that are not what God would want. At this very moment he is watching American Dad. I cant help but wonder if we are struggling because of him not seeking Him. I know where i am weak He is strong. I also know I seek Him 24 hrs a day. I dont even watch tv unless its the 700 club or life today. So please God, please, hear my cry. Please end this suffering, please restore us to living again. I will dedicate the rest of my days to telling the world about you. I want to give my kids a life, a quality life. Not just surviving. I love you Lord. Im never giving up on you.
Satan will never win this battle.In Jesus name,. amen

fear of the unknown

"even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise" im not sure where i read that or who said that but it reminds me of the verse in the Bible about how we may cry in the night but joy come s in the morning. Im ready for morning because im tired of mourning. My husband is still without a job, meaning no income, no money for food, eviction notices, cell phone bills about to go unpaid which means no contact with the outside world. ITs been almost exactly a year since we moved the whole family to pensacola beach ,fl. Away from everything familiar, family, friends, church. I even moved a senior in highschool because thats what i felt God wanted. Now here we are, in a condo on the beach, and no way to pay for it and no job in sight. Even the gorgeous view we have isnt gorgeous when you cant feed your family. The Bible reminds us that we shouldn worry about what we will wear or what we will eat. If His eye is on the sparrow then we know He watches us. I believe that wholeheartidly. however, I wonder how far He will allow us to go until He brings us another miracle. Homeless? I want to feel His love again. Its hard to feel loved in this situation. I know it in my heart but I need to spend some more time with God to get to know Him better. To be reminded of just how much He loves me and my children. Its hard when you are where I am/ Im almost without hope. Thats a scary place to be. Prayers would be welcomed! i will update!

So I hate to overblog today but i feel like the posts before this need to be tied together, ,my point of the blogs need clarity. I started those posts about my marraige and soaps to say that reality isnt the husband living every secong thinking about his lovely wife a nd what he can do to make her happy or him telling her how pretty she is. and as much as we moms may love this concept, stephano isnt sending us to our own island. Marraige is messy, its beautiful, its hard but with God in the front you can make it your own good soap opera without all the sinning that goes along with being in the soaps. We know it isnt real. But sin is real, its real in our lives and marraiges. BUT GOD. He is full of grace and forgives our sins as we repent. As i pray tonight to be a better wife, I will pray to be a better follower and witness. Im grateful to still be his and HIS. Be Blessed! kim

til death do us part, part 2

so as I was saying about the soapoperas, I was addicted. As a mid life housewife, my life had become a life that I wouldve never dreamed when I was little. When asked what i wanted to be when i grew up, I can honestly say it was never this..." I want to be an addict. I really want to have 4 children, start taking prescription pain killers, wreck my marraige, lose our home, move in with my parents and somewhere in there I hope to go to two rehabs only to fail at it, disappoint all who k now me, and worst of all feel separated from my God, nope that wasnt my dream. it was my reality. Until I hit my knees one sunday morning in my bathroom and surrendered. Im free. No longer an addict, im witness for Him. I am here to tell other strugglers that are trudging that it can be don e. My husband stuck with me for the kids at first but Im so grateful that he did. I stuck by him in the loss of jobs and financial hardships, by the grace of God, by Grace we are together, til death do us part. give grace to someone today

Til Death Do Us Part , part 1

Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? do you promise to stay with hime during the hard and the awesome, the drought and famine and the fruitful times? Or is the idea of marraige this unreaistic picture of a soap opera stars aka Bo and Hope? Mine was the latter. I hate to admit this but as a college student and young to mid age housewife, I was addicted to soaps. "Hi, my name is Kim. Its been 3 years since I last watched ALL MY CHILDREN or ONE LIFE TO LIVE OR my favorite,,,,GENERAL HOSPITAL'. Now let me justify the sin for a minute. In college, everyone was doing it and i had to fit in right? I admit i took it a bit overboard when i would actually skip class to watch Days Of Our Lives.(that was the one i loved then). Then it became something to occupy my tired brain with while folding cloth burp rags and little pink onezies, and my favorite excuse is this,my sister would come over to my home or me to hers, we would make pasta salad and sandwiches and let the girls play while we watched, that is until my niece made my parents dance around the room kissing before they went to bed. 2 be cont

Faith of a child

We are getting ready for school. She is telling me what she has to take care of. I mention a shirt. Every Friday they are to wear a blue shirt that bears the name of their school. They will get a reward, a paper sand dollar to spend at a really fun school store. Back to the point of the post. The conversation goes something like this;" mommy, i need to remember my book, my binder, my...(I interrupt) "your blue shirt" she says with her child faith, "mommy, you'll take care of that. you always make sure I wear the right thing" I think of my God. I think of how I dont trust Him sometimes. It should be first nature. My daughter didnt even consider the thought that I would ever forget to put the blue shirt on her. Not for a minute. I learn from this. My God never forgets my blue shirt either. No matter what my blue shirt is, whether it is finances, health, food, shelter. I need to remember that I am His child. He will always take care of me. He will always be available. I trust Him today with a childlike trust. I will have a child like faith. I know I am taken care of. Forgive me when I fall short. Im so grateful to learn from these little people that God gave to me. Faith, I have it.

Im not ready but she is

Im not ready for her to go to first grade. I want to freeze time or go back. Why is she seven ? I should be excited that she is independent. She is well adjusted. She is ready to go. Im not ready to let her. Shes always been here. Always present. My student. Her brothers classmate. Tomorrow she will be one of 22. She will have to stand in line for water. She will have to raise her hand to speak. She is important. She is beautiful. She is wonderfully created by God. Shes mine. Shes perfect . She is funny. She is forgiving. She is sensitive to others. She is my snuggler. She will be missed.
Im questioning my decision to send her to school instead of homeschoolong her again. I let others influence my decision . I would love to hear His voice above all otherd. Til then I will be praying her thru her first day away from me. I will wait not so patiently for 2:45. I would love comments . She is my heart. Now my hearts breaking. This is hard. God is my strength. He will lead me beside still waters and restore my soul.
praise Him. He will see me thru.
In Him, Kim

A new definition of empathy

the link that i posted is from a friends sister, this friend recently lost the husband of all our dreams. A true follower of Christ who actually loved his wife as Christ loves the church. An example of how a father should raise his children, with respect and the heart of christ and the voice of an angel. Yes, he even sings like an angel. To be perfectly honest, I coveted what they had, not just material things,but their relationship with each other and with others. they have many friends because you have to be a friend to have a friend. friends always put others first-They seemed to have it all.And they did have it all. After reading "my michael" so many verses came to my mind that described his love for Jene. for example, "Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you,rejoice in the wife of your youth-may you always be captivated by her love." I believe he surely did this. He lived to serve her. she talked how he loved the smell of her cooking, the aroma of the spices, etc. "Our lives are a fragrance presented by Christ to God-this fragrance is perceived differently by those who are saved. Michael was definitely saved.  I love how she describes how he encouraged the children to appreciate her as he did. "listen my child to what your father is teaching you-dont neglect your mothers teachings. wht you learn from her will crown you with grace and clothe you honor" I know as a mother, we have a thankless job. We long to be appreciated and validated in all we do. Michael made sure jene never felt that way. They left nothing unsaid, no regrets. I know if tragedy struck today i would have regrets. like how i talk to him, the tone, etc. I need to take lessons from jenes blog and live everyday wihtout regret. So, with all this said, I have so much empathy for her(Jene) for her loss, yet so much envy for what she had and the memories she has. Her memories are memories any wife would want for her own. I could feel her emptiness and sadness and loss. I have witnessed first hand how they are together. so kind to each other and others. I will lift her up pray god will hold her until she gets to hold her michael once again, in the house of the Lord. amen

ra(y)conteur: My Michael - a post by Jene' Barranco

ra(y)conteur: My Michael - a post by Jene' Barranco

starting over

Im starting over with my blog. Im commiting a day at a time to update this blog so we'll see how it goes,. We recently moved to a new state, the sunshine state, We have adjusted nicely,(5 of us )and have found a church that Im soooo excited about. Harvest Church. If you are in the P'Cola area, It would be worth your while to visit. The preacher is real! I never want the message to end and my 6 yr old went to sunday school knowing no one and cant wait to go !   thats all for today since i just erased half of my whole post and i have no time to start over. talk to yall tomorrow!